


sunflowers

by craevitae



Category: Cravity (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, inspired by i want to eat your pancreas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craevitae/pseuds/craevitae
Summary: sunflowers meant adoration, loyalty, and longevity. living a long life; that's what serim hoped for allen.
Relationships: Allen Ma/Park Serim
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	sunflowers

Serim knew that this day was going to come.

He couldn’t read his journal; he can’t. He won’t.

Serim clutches on the bouquet of flowers he especially picked for him; Sunflowers. He reminds him of Sunflowers. 

He knew that from that day onwards…

He will start to wither.

-

“Mom, I’m sorry I’m late.” Serim kissed her mother’s forehead, as he placed his school bag next to the hospital bed his mother is currently laying on. She smiled; caressing her son’s cheeks.

“How was school today?” She asked, as Serim smiled. “Same old. Everyone is preparing for finals.”

“Hmm. Your father will be coming by later, you don’t have to stay today.” She patted Serim’s head. “Always be a hardworking boy for us, okay?”

“Mom, don’t say that.” Serim tried to lighten the mood.

His mother is currently admitted at the hospital because of Coronary artery disease; because of the blockage inside of her artery, blood doesn’t circulate well throughout the body especially the heart. Her condition is getting better though, and she will be discharged by next week.

Serim sighed; he was actually very busy with studying and extracurriculars, so he wasn’t able to visit his mother often. He then had a bit of a catching up conversation with her, as he then left her room; not forgetting to hug her.

He was about to leave the hospital, not until he got suddenly bumped on by a student on the same school as him; dropping the notebook he was holding. Serim called for the student, but he just kept on running. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he looked at the notebook which just had a blank white cover.

He bit his lip the moment he opened the notebook to read the first page. It’s a drawing of a heart, with a noticeable hole and stitches. Below the drawing, it read…

_D-??? till the hole gets bigger and I unfortunately die. If found, bring this to Allen Ma and you have to be his friend because he hasn’t told anyone about this yet!_

“That’s mine!” Someone snatched the notebook from him. Serim looked at the person, seeing that’s exactly Allen Ma; famous for his dancing… and his classmate.

“Park Serim? Did you perhaps read the first page?” Allen said, suddenly clutching onto his chest. “Ah, I shouldn’t have ran…”

Serim first made Allen sit down on one of the chairs at the waiting room to have Allen catch his breath. Once Allen stopped panting, Serim coughed to get his attention.

“Uh… yeah. I’ve read the first page.” Serim muttered. “Why did you write that as if you knew you’re going to drop this someday?”

“I’m a clumsy guy, as you can probably tell with our encounter earlier.” Allen chuckled. “Now, you’re going to be stuck with me until I die! I actually never talked to you in a different setting than school, this feels new.” 

“Why are you casually saying that you’re going to die…” Serim said.

“I’m accepting it. I’ve been fighting too hard… maybe this battle is made for me to lose.” Allen said. “You know that I dance, right?” Serim nodded.

“I dance because I wanted to fool myself into thinking that I’m healthy ever since my heart got stitched up,” Allen looked down. “It worked until last month. I had to quit since the hole in my heart is getting larger and a simple stitch won't cut it now.”

If Serim was being honest, he’s confused on why Allen is comfortable to say these personal things to him. It’s definitely not because of the notebook…

“Well! I have a check up today and I’m actually late for it, so I’ll see you in school tomorrow and let’s eat somewhere!” Allen smiled, as he stood up from his seat and went away.

Serim blinked.

What kind of conversation did he just get into?

-

Serim was resting on his desk till someone tapped his shoulder. Groaning a bit and looking up, he saw Allen smiling widely.

“It’s the end of the day! Care to company me to eat?” 

And that’s how Serim ended up with Allen in a very fancy restaurant; which he didn’t expect at all.

“Why would you take me here… And we’re the only students…” Serim whispered, as Allen just continued munching on his steak, as Serim didn’t touch his food yet.

“Why? I had the money, might as well and spend it with you.” Allen said without thinking so much, which led to Serim blushing. Allen noticed it, as he laughed at Serim’s expression. “Oh, you like those kinds of statements, huh? Don’t worry, I’ll say it often!” Allen jokingly winked, as Serim coughed. 

Serim knew that he doesn’t have the choice but to eat the steak Allen ordered for him, besides, it will be rude of him not to. Once Serim took a bite off his food, Allen gave him an eye smile.

“I knew you couldn’t resist that~” Allen giggled. 

Serim didn’t know that Allen was this… bubbly. He was usually serious during class; sure, he jokes around… but this Allen was just different. He gave off a different vibe than he had in school.

“I’m making you have access to the last pages of my journal to see my bucket list before I die!” Allen gave him his notebook, as Serim coughed. “Can we not… talk about that d word when we’re eating…” Serim said, as Allen sheepishly smiled.

“My next list is to go on a trip. Maybe after exams?” Allen said. Serim raised his eyebrows. “Shouldn’t you avoid going to far distances? You have a heart condition, what if something happens…”

“Oh? That’s exactly what my doctor said? How did you know that?” Allen asked with full curiosity. Serim looked away. 

“Just… someone I know also has a heart condition.” Serim said. Allen just hummed. “That’s why you weren’t that surprised…” Allen muttered, but Serim pretended that he didn’t hear him.

Once they finished their meal, Allen waved to Serim. “You’re really fun to talk to! Though you’re boring at times and your replies are kind of bland, you’re really interesting! See you tomorrow, Park Serim!” Allen said enthusiastically, which made Serim smile and wave back.

He doesn’t know why, but it feels like some burden left his shoulders while being with Allen. 

Then he remembered exams, as he internally sighed again.

-

Last day of the exam, spring break will start. For the past few days, Serim felt really good as he got to exchange topics with Allen much more often, but they couldn’t really talk at school as they have different friend groups. His mother was also discharged from the hospital and is healthier than ever, which also contributed to Serim’s studying as he didn’t have to worry that much anymore.

“How’s the exam, 1st place Park Serim?” Someone sat on his desk and handed him coffee. He smiled when he realized it’s Allen. “It was okay. Could be harder.”

“Oh~ You sounded cool there.” Allen poked on Serim’s cheek, which made the latter blush furiously again, and Allen laughed.

“You get flustered easily, that’s cute.” Allen giggled again. “Anyways, want to go and have an overnight in my house? It’s friday anyways, and I can’t go on a trip.” Serim coughed on the coffee he was drinking.

“Why are you this straightforward…” Serim said after his coughing fit. “I thought you like me for being straightforward?” Allen blinked, then laughed. “Joking. I mean, I can’t go on a trip with you so might as well as invite you to my place instead.”

“Do you have games?” Serim asked, as Allen laughed in disbelief. “Of course I do!”

The two teenagers laughed as they walked to Allen’s house, with Allen making Serim flustered again at times. Serim was really weirded out by how he clicked so much with Allen, but he doesn’t mind it.

Once they reached Allen’s house, they immediately made ramen as Serim mentioned that he was craving for it earlier. However, Serim was actually tired even after drinking coffee and being with a vitamin like Allen; as he grinded for the exam, resulting in him not getting the sleep he needed. Allen didn’t fail to notice it, so once he placed the two ramen bowls on the table, he pinched Serim’s cheeks.

“What?” Serim said, while he was struggling to stay awake. 

“Are you that comfortable with me now to the point that you got sleepy the moment you stepped in my house?” Allen laughed, as Serim gave him a tired smile. 

“I was just not having that much sleep these past few days,” Serim slurped on his ramen. “Exam week always stresses me out.”

“Well, everyone does.” Allen said. “I don’t even know if I should still exert effort in my academics, I won’t be able to use my credentials, anyways.” 

Serim only stood silent. What Allen said made him think; he thought what if he was in Allen’s position right now… that means all of his efforts will just remain meaningless. He didn’t even thought of how hard Allen’s situation was because he was so outgoing; there were even times wherein Serim thought that nothing’s wrong with him.

“Can I ask something?” Serim said after he finished eating, as Allen nodded.

“Are you… really going to die?” Serim tried asking in the nicest way possible.

It was silent for a moment, and Serim was about to retract his question until Allen started laughing uncontrollably. Serim looked at him in confusion.

“Hah… why is that question so funny for me…” Allen said in between laughs. He then noticed Serim’s expression, as he coughed.

“It’s just… I don’t even know why I’m laughing. Maybe because I haven’t expected someone asking me that.” Allen looked down and fiddled with his fingers. “To answer your question, yes, I’m dying; unless I get a heart transplant. It’s hard to find a donor that matches me, so I guess there’s like… a 3% chance for me to live?”

“Can’t you just seal that hole? Not stitch it?” Serim said. “I’ve read about it before, and it’s completely possible?”

“I did… when I was young. Worked well till last month when my local doctor said the hole is reopening. Seemed like there was a mistake in my procedure, so I had it stitched up instead.” Allen said nonchalantly, which made Serim bite his lip.

“Shouldn’t you sue them with malpractice?” Serim asked again. Allen shook his head. 

“Can I be really honest?” Allen asked, and Serim felt that the atmosphere changed in a snap. Serim slowly nodded; somewhat scared for what he’s going to say next.

“I… I’m accepting this. I don’t want to fight this anymore.” Allen let out a soft chuckle. “Maybe it's because I lived with false hope. Hope that I will be healthy, hope that I will live normally. But… no matter how much I took care of myself even though I did heart-straining things, everything just backfired.” 

Serim didn’t know what to say; and he was left speechless once he saw Allen getting teary-eyes. “Remember the first day we actually talked outside of school? I had a check up that day.” Allen asked, as Serim nodded.

Serim immediately went to Allen’s side when he started crying uncontrollably. The latter hugged Serim; burying his face on Serim’s shoulder and lets his tears stain his uniform. 

“Serim… I only have a month left to live till my heart and lungs drown on my own blood.” Allen choked on his own sobs.

-

Serim eyed the sleeping teenager beside him.

It was currently 10PM; Allen was panicking earlier when he told him about his current life span, so Serim knew that he needed to rest; they both needed it anyways.

Weirdly enough, Allen’s parents were nowhere to be found. Allen never told Serim about his parents, but judging by his house; maybe they’re just working overtime.

Serim fixed Allen’s fringe, but he was shocked to see Allen opening his eyes.

“Take a picture. It’ll last long.” Allen said, as Serim laughed. “You and your conceited ass.”

“You love it, anyways.” Allen snuggled to Serim; resting his chin on his chest and his hands on Serim’s waist. Serim then noticed that Allen was staring at him.

“You know… on my bucket list, I wrote that I want to kiss someone who isn't my boyfriend. It’s something that I won’t actually do, but with this lifespan I’m just fucking everything up.” Allen laughed, as Serim froze on his position.

“W-Why are you telling me that?” Serim asked. His eyes started to widen when Allen got his face closer to his.

“I want to kiss you, Park Serim.”

Serim didn’t respond; he wasn’t sure how to. Yes, he would have developed some feelings with just hanging out with him for the past week and even sharing stories that were meant to be kept… but isn’t this too much?

“I’m taking your silence as a yes.” Allen leaned closer to Serim, till their noses touched. Unconsciously, Serim closed his eyes.

He opened them once again when he felt Allen’s breath hitched and his laugh. Allen’s back was facing him.

“Y-You, you really thought I was going to kiss you? That’s the last thing I’ll ever do! Come on, we only talked properly as friends for like, a week! I know you will be uncomfortable with that!” Allen continued to laugh, clutching his stomach.

Serim only stared at him with half-lidded eyes. Allen then stopped laughing, and scooted back near Serim. “Hey… It’s just a joke.”

Serim said nothing again, as they unknowingly stared at each other’s eyes. Serim sighed.

“Fuck this,” Serim said, cupping Allen’s cheeks and leaned to kiss him.

Allen wasn’t sure if this was happening or not, but the moment he felt Serim’s lips moving against his, he eased the moment; his arms wrapped around Serim’s neck, as Serim held onto his waist. 

The kiss was soft; they were taking time. It wasn’t rushed, but Serim’s desperation was obvious. Allen pulled away when he couldn’t catch his breath.

“My heart is beating so much right now…” Allen said, clutching on his chest. Serim immediately got concerned.

“Isn’t that bad?” Serim said, putting his hand on Allen’s chest. Allen laughed, as he intertwined his hand to the latter.

“My heart’s racing because of you, stupid.”

-

Serim knew that good days meant something bad was going to happen.

Allen was rushed to the hospital today. He couldn’t visit as he was already in school, so the moment classes ended; he rushed to the hospital.

It has been 2 weeks since Serim went to Allen’s house, and since they kissed. Serim blushes every time he thought of it.

When he opened the door to Allen’s ward which was the same room his mother stayed in, he laughed when he saw the latter dancing to ballet. When Allen made a turn, he immediately stopped once he saw Serim.

“I..” Allen said, as Serim waved at him. “I guess you’re okay, after all.” Serim laughed, as Allen went to his bed and covered himself with his blanket. Serim smiled, sitting next to him.

“So, what happened?” Serim asked.

“I just fainted.” Allen said, as he slowly put the blanket down. 

“Good thing your parents found you and called the ambulance quickly, then.” Serim assumed, as Allen tilted his head.

“I… don’t have parents?” Allen revealed, as Serim covered his mouth in shock.

“I’m sorry!” Serim apologized quickly, as Allen waved his hand to say that it’s okay.

“It’s fine! You didn’t know about it, I never mentioned it to you. But if you’re wondering how I got here, I have the hospital on speed dial just in case something happens.” Allen said, as Serim nodded.

“You know, this is the same room my mother stayed in,” Serim said, after a long moment of comfortable silence. “She also had a heart problem, and she's as healthy as ever. I believe that will happen to you too.”

“That’s sweet, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.” Allen laughed a bit. Serim noticed how tired Allen looked, as he held onto his hand.

A doctor suddenly came inside the room.

“Serim, here’s my personal doctor. He has been taking care of me ever since my parents went away.” Allen smiled. Serim smiled at the doctor, acknowledging him.

“Allen… I’m here to say that you will have a heart transplant.” The doctor said, as Allen and Serim’s eyes widened.

“It’s from a brain dead patient, so there should be no complications… but it’s still going to be a very risky surgery. Even if the surgery succeeds, there’s still a possibility that your body will reject the heart in minutes. We have to monitor you further after the surgery.” He added. He then handed Allen a consent form. “Just sign this and I’ll immediately book you for an operation. The earliest time I can get is later at 12AM.” 

Allen first hesitated, but he grabbed the consent and signed it. The doctor gave him an assuring smile.

“I’ll try my best, Allen.” The doctor said, as he left the room. Serim tightened his grip on Allen’s hand.

“Allen…” Serim said, as he hugged the latter. “You have a donor… You have a donor!”

Serim could feel Allen squirm, but then relaxed. “I can… live…”

Allen immediately cried. Serim was flabbergasted; but he knew Allen was having mixed emotions now. He patted his back; as he whispered comforting words to Allen’s ear.

“You know… you’re the reason why I want to live now, Serim.” Allen said. “Before, I was just accepting everything because I really don’t have a reason to continue anymore, I can’t work for my parents and I wasn’t really interested in finding a loved one… But, that fateful encounter in this exact hospital, and I’m even placed in the same room your mother was in when she also has a heart problem… I think the world brought you to me.” Allen hugged Serim tighter. They both stayed in that position for a while; as Serim cried too.

“Do you want to name my journal, Serim?” Allen asked all of the sudden, when he pulled away from him.

“Hmm… Sunflower.” Serim said, when he remembered the meaning of sunflower.

“Sunflower? Why so?” Allen asked.

“It’s my favorite flower, that’s all. And, you’re my favorite.”

-

The day they were waiting for finally arrived.

The brain dead patient’s heart was already retrieved hours ago, and it was time for Allen to step in.

Going to the operating room, Serim only held on Allen’s hand; giving him a smile that Allen loved.

Serim had too many thoughts in his mind right now. He knew that this surgery could turn out really bad; no matter how much tried to not think of it. He has been meaning to say something to Allen for the past few days, but he thought it would be selfish for him to.

Serim noticed that he was holding on to his notebook, but he didn’t really think much about it. Once they got in front of the restricted area, Serim kneeled down to meet Allen’s eyes.

“Allen,” Serim said, caressing Allen’s cheeks.

“Serim,” Allen smiled softly. Serim hesitated, but he placed a peck on Allen’s forehead.

“I love you.” Serim finally said it. 

Allen only smiled, as the doctors took him inside the operation room; leaving Serim to a crying mess.

Serim waited. He felt every second lasted for an hour. He fiddled with his fingers, kept on tapping his feet, he’s having cold sweat and he can’t think straight. He knew he had to be strong for Allen, he was his pillar. Serim introduced Allen to a new world; a world full of hope.

He bought a sunflower bouquet earlier just to ease his mind a bit. Sunflowers meant adoration, loyalty, and longevity. Serim specially picked that name for his journal mainly because of longevity, meaning long life. A notebook of hope. 

The bouquet suddenly fell from his grasp; as he picked it up.

Then, all of his hopes were crushed the moment Allen’s doctor came out of the room, evidently devastated; holding onto Allen’s notebook.

“He told me to give you this… if the surgery failed. I’m terribly sorry.” 

Serim wordlessly grabbed the notebook; and let the bouquet fall from his grasp again in shock. He started to breathe heavily and trembled; going to another crying fit. He kept on whispering to himself that this was just a dream.

Allen isn’t dead.

No, he’s not.

Right?

Serim bit his lip, as he finally took the courage to read through Allen’s journal. His breath hitched and he cried harder when he saw that it’s full of portraits of him, with a specific conversation they shared. From when they first met, till today.

He looked at the last pages, seeing the bucket list which was barely done; and Serim regretted not spending that much time with him.

He completely broke down once he read the very last page; attached there was a drawing of Serim sleeping.

_‘Hey, it’s your one and only Allen. I’m really writing this the moment I arrived in the operating room, because I just realized that all of this may go the wrong way._

_I’m really happy that I met you, Park Serim. We instantly clicked; maybe because I was secretly yearning for a close friend all this time. Dropping this journal was really my mistake though; but it’s the best mistake I ever made._

_At first, I was wondering why you named this journal a sunflower, then I searched for it; it meant long life, huh? Can’t believe you named my dying journal to a hopeful word, you’re really sly sometimes._

_If I ever fail, I just want you to know that my life is complete because of you. I don’t regret anything; even if my bucket list wasn’t done, I’m okay with everything that happened with you. We even kissed! I was so shocked at that! I was joking, but you really went for it! (Kinda want to do it again)_

_Anyways, I drew this when you were sleeping at my house. You looked so cute; and that’s actually the time wherein I just added kissing someone to my bucket list. Guess I just wanted to kiss you; no one else._

_Well, we have to start the operation now._

_I couldn’t reply earlier, but…_

_I love you too, Park Serim._

_Till we meet again.’_

**Author's Note:**

> HDBXBSJKSKS THIS???? was hard to write tbh i don't even like this atm but i'll probably??? edit this in the future???? also i tried to make this like properly capitalized just because another fic of mine is also wrote this way in terms of format (that fic is going to be very long too) so yeah
> 
> this was also inspired by i want to eat your pancreas and i wanna cri ok
> 
> follow me on twitter at @craevitae and lets scream about cravity!


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